3 Reasons Why Not Hooking Up Was The Best Thing I Ever Did

Demitri Wylde
4 min readNov 10, 2020
Photo courtesy of Pexels.com

Sex is everywhere, it’s on television, on billboards, it can even be ordered up on an app and over to your house in no time flat. As a gay man, our relationship with sex is definitely a bit different culturally than most. I mean, for us a blowjob is basically equal to a handshake. But, the constant hooking up or sex parties hasn’t exactly yielded us the closeness nor the intimacy that we actually crave. It’s also really exhausting juggling all those relationships.

So earlier this year I did an experiment: I deleted my apps, I deleted all my dick appointment numbers, and deflected any incoming opportunities to “hang out with our wangs out.” It was refreshing to not care or be seeking any attention, instead re-focusing that attention on myself. I read books, caught up on movies, and started exercising. I even took myself on “self dates” to the beach, road trips, and to my favorite coffee shops and parks. My whole world changed in a matter of just two months of celibacy.

I learned a few things during this time, and although I am not exactly celibate anymore, I have a stronger idea of what I want from my relationships and have an easier time saying no to things that I know wouldn’t be worth my time. Below I’ve listed three reasons why not hooking up was the best thing I ever did:

  1. Better Boundaries

This one was a tough one and I still don’t always get it right. However, I did learn more about what I want from my relationships than I did before when I was simply going along with whatever comes my way. Having personal boundaries is probably the most important thing on this list, so I highly suggest taking the extra time making a list for yourself about what you enjoy versus the things you could have done without in your sexual exploration.

2. Simple Pleasure over Finite Pleasure

What happens after you bust a nut? For me it was always clean up, put your clothes back on, and leave alone. It’s kind of sad when you don’t have anything to go home to afterward except yourself and sometimes, yes, I’d even cry after I got home because I was still alone. No one hangs around after a hookup and it’s always refreshing when (once in a blue moon) someone will actually cuddle you afterwards.

This is why I advocate for spending that extra energy indulging in simple pleasures versus finite pleasures. Taking a walk in a place you’ve never been can bring some unexpected surprises, or maybe taking yourself to that restaurant you’ve always wanted to try but never got the chance to because you were too busy being a heaux. That guy who you hooked up with who already had a boyfriend (against your better judgement) will only bring you heartache. Simple pleasures will bring you a memory that you can always call back upon to bring you joy in your daily life.

3. Non-Sexual Friendships

This one’s a doozy. Most of us have all hooked up with a majority of our friend groups which makes every time we get together a very awkward reunion of past lovers or would-be lovers. Cultivating a group of friendships where your common areas of interest aren’t just looking at hot people or who you hooked up with last can be extremely beneficial to your mental state as well as opens you up to things that really matter.

Maybe you have a friend who you want to start a project with, or someone who can teach you about something you are interested in. Developing common areas of interest that don’t revolve around sex is crucial in today’s crazy over-sexed world. You should ask yourself with your friend group, if you took away sex from this relationship — what would you have left over?

“If you took away sex from this relationship — what would you have left over?”

If you’re like me and have found yourself obsessing over guys or constantly doom-scrolling through dating apps in an effort to thwart your loneliness, I highly suggest taking time out for yourself to develop your relationship with yourself instead. Ask yourself who you are when you are alone in the dark and see what answers you come up with. If you have an answer to this I’d also love to hear about it. Send me a DM on social media: @demitriwylde. I’ll see you soon.



Demitri Wylde

Sex educator on a mission to help you understand topics around sex, dating, and relationships. linktr.ee/demitriwylde